||[Jun. 24th, 2007|05:05 pm]
I walked 20 miles yesterday.
I walked through RAF Halton, which was odd, and conjured up old memories. I though a lot, of my goals and of my past, of how I got to where I am and things I would have done differently. In some ways I've squandered the last few years, spent them hiding away from the world.
I'm scared of death and the world gets to me. If I think about it too much I cannot see a reason for existing. This often leads me to a place of hiding, of doing things that kill time and stop me thinking.
I'll do this and pop my head up out of the sand for a while, be motivated, want to actually work towards making a different and then get depressed again and go back into hiding. Hiding usually consists of online games, fictional books, DVDs and similar.
In the centre of Chesham town center is a flag pole, with the Union Flag blowing in the wind, I approve of this, and can't recall having seen similar in other towns, I'm generally proud of my country, what it represents and it's place in the world (I looked up and out the window and got distracted there).
Over the last year I'm been studying through the open university, because of the structure, because I know that if there's a deadline I'll do the work and because I have no long term goals to get depressed about.
I am my own worst enemy, but, I have weaknesses that I can exploit to defeat myself and actually get stuff done, I can trick and con myself into doing things that I wouldn't otherwise do. I'm not sure if this shows an understanding of myself... or a general state of patheticness!
I have my head half stuck in the sand at the moment, enough to see the world and ponder what I'd like to change, but not enough to get too depressed by the long term future and the futility of everything.
I'm thinking of trying to take a module of two of economics related stuff, I think the Common Agricultural Policy is a bad thing, but I'm not entirely sure, and would like to know for sure.
My stance on religion has hardened in the last few days, my general passiveness towards the area been dealt a blow by the realisation that it's a blot on the landscape of reality. It's still not something I feel strong enough about to treat as a priority, in study or action... but is something I no longer feel apathetic towards.
My goals over the next month are:
- Research political parties with the potential of getting involved with/volunteering for a major/effective one that I most/kinda agree with, or something - requires more thought/research.
- Reading a book or two on religion (probably The God Delusion and a history/religion book that's at home waiting to be read)
- Reading a book or two on racism/various-isms (I have "A short introduction to racism and some other book waiting at home on my to-do shelf.)
- Continue maths related studying and completing the next assignment *ahead* of schedule.
- Buying a desk and another bookcase... and maybe a sofa and whiteboard.
- Cajole / arrange family into meeting somewhere in London sometime.
ermm.. errr... socialise more... people are good!
- Take an Mensa IQ test... I've always been disproportionately good at IQ tests, I'm good at the particular brand of thought that they require.
- Keep up with my exercise regime.
- Spend less money! Owe less on my credit card than now.
- Walk to Reading (not necessarily all at once.)
This wasn't really a though out entry and was more of a random dump of stuff that's been on my mind over the last couple of days, if it made sense, then yay!